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There is a misconception that by being born male or female we already understand what to do in sex.
If what you want is purely to disperse some sexual tension or make babies, then inserting it and obtaining an orgasm will be more than enough.
But we are not born with the know-how of how you can make sexual acts ideal, how you can make it last through your relationship, the best way to obtain best pleasure and happiness in it, how you can know what your sexual body requires for this, and what your partner would need to get there, the way to transform it into something genuinely satisfied and priceless for yourself and your spouse.
Purely to be endowed with sex organs is not enough. Picture you want to run 25 yards. Do you know how to do it? Yes, and you would do without a difficulty. Now imagine you want to be a master sportsman, or you you want to do a marathon for charity, or you you want to exercise by running. Will you know how you can do it? You've got legs right? So what on earth is there to examine?
Needless to say, heaps. The way to create your workout programme, The way to nourish your whole body accurately to preserve it, The best way to breathe effectively, The way to move your legs properly to maintain the velocity and avoid harm, how long the rest periods have to be, How to stretch prior to and after to keep yourself in good shape, How to pick the right footwear, etcetera. Lots and lots of stuff. Do you understand them just by the virtue of having legs? Should you not instruct yourself you'll either receive an injury, train inefficiently which would make you suffer and you may possibly never achieve your goals. This all would stem purely out of your lack of awareness. You would most probably hire a coach because you understand the necessity for professional recommendation.
It is the exact same in sexual acts but we approach it with utmost disdain. Sexuality is highly complex and intricate, it takes place on all levels - bodily, psychological, intellectual, spiritual. There are a great number of nuances and huge differences between women and men that must be reconciled. The disillusionment that women and men come across in sex really are a testament to that. There is merely no reason you should believe that you have got all this knowledge from birth. Pros are necessary, like in everything else. They're people who dedicate their lives to gathering this comprehension to transmit it to other people. Whilst you do your job, they do theirs. Much like they're not specialists in your field, you are not an expert in theirs.
You have to acknowledge this fact and not be shy about seeking guidance. There isn't a need to take it personally, as if this can make you inferior to other folks. Teaching yourself more isn't an admission of the undeniable fact that you definitely are poor lover - merely a recognition that stuff can be discovered and matters can get to be much better for every person. It isn't like all others around you is a superb lover and you're going to be worse than them. Most people have tons to uncover. At least you happen to be among those who is doing something about it instead of avoiding the truth.
There's also an additional side to it - teaching yourself and your partner from the appropriate options is insufficient. Then you've got to educate your body. Your body has its very own memory, its personal tendencies. Just studying something does not necessarily mean you can promptly feel those sensations or have your body do every thing correctly. Your body carries lots of ingrained behaviours and entrenched patterns. For instance, you might desire to relax further into enjoying pleasure but your body is accustomed to chasing an climax immediately. When you learn to dance just listening to another person is not enough, you will then need to teach your body consciously to do the moves until it gets to be second nature to it. Yet again, you'll need an expert to get you through the steps. There are always particular reasonable solutions to instructing your body and skilled guidance can help you.
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Nakedness and what it evokes is a real issue for bodywork therapists, especially female therapists because of how some clients, men or women, will use the massage session to display sexual behavior.
For this article we are not dealing with how bodywork therapists and massage persons can attempt sexuality with their clients, but only about clients displaying sexuality during the session.
I speak as a former Licensed Marriage, Family and Child Relationships counselor in the State of California, USA. I have done bodywork myself as part of the therapy I do. I have had many years of bodywork done with me, as well as a number of training courses in bodywork therapy.
I speak from counseling massage therapists in my own practice. I also am familiar with psychotherapy for sexual uses, including therapeutic sexual massage that is effective.
Sexual massage is more practiced outside the United States than in the States because of severe sexuality issues and attitudes in the United States differing from Canada and Europe.
Here is a sexual issue example:
A man asks the woman massage therapist over the phone: do you include the genitals in your massage work? This is rather direct. The presenting problem may be more, do you work with sexual problems as part of your massage work?
How is a male or female massage therapist to respond? Is this a sexual come-on? Or is this a cry for help?
A massage therapist comfortable with their own sexuality may be willing to take on a client who does have sexual problems. Many females are upset that they cannot orgasm. Males may easily get erections, but while in a woman be unable to orgasm.
It would be unusual indeed if at least half the people who come in for massage treatment do not have sexual problems. What is the massage body-worker to do?
Some forms of massage do include massaging the naked body of the client, with a towel over the pelvic region or not. Other forms work with light clothing on and consist more of stretching movements.
Rolfing works with the naked body so as to see the alignment. There is hardly a chance in this form to feel pleasure responses because Rolfing itself is to break up muscles and facia that have been emotionally tense for years, and so the work can be extremely painful.
It is rare that a male client will directly attack a female massage therapist, but it is still considered good practice not to give massage to persons you do not know fairly well in places where you have no protection should you need to call for help.
WARNING - It is the generally accepted practice to never work alone with a massage client in a building alone. Always work were there is someone who knows you within calling distance. Work where your live-in partner is at home next room over, or in a building with other therapists or businesses.
Once I did a screaming session with a member of a therapy group in a new place and the motor car salesmen and manager from downstairs came running up and loudly banged on the door. They thought someone was being murdered. We had not told them yet that we did therapy with people!
Of course a male client may not tell you he has sexual problems on the phone, but just come in and then tell you.
ISSUE EXAMPLE - The Man Who Spontaneously Orgasmed
- Was this on purpose? And how should the therapist handle it?
One female massage therapist reported to me about a male client who would get an erection every time and have spontaneous orgasm. She never touched his genitals. She had to have a box of tissues nearby so that he could clean himself up. This was Essalen massage combined with Shiatsu pressure-point massage, which deals especially with freeing blocks in the body.
The male client did not try to have sex with her or get her to touch his genitals. Was this a genuine case of being too orgasmic? What would be the best treatment?
I advised her to instruct her male client to practice full-body awareness as he was being massaged.
Indeed, a chief value for anyone being massaged in many different styles of massage is to relax totally into sensual, bodily awareness. Some fall asleep during this relaxation, which is not necessarily healing for the client but acceptable.
For this male client orgasming he was either impressed with his ability to orgasm spontaneously without touching himself, and needed a female to witness this, or he was indeed a seducer. However, what if he simply was by nature a spontaneous orgasm type male?
Let's deal with seducers first!
Men who fixate on being seducers are only interested in getting a female so open to them through their ways of seduction that they do succeed with having intercourse with her.
Thus some men have developed a seduction technique and try to make it work to perfection on female massage therapists. They are not interested in an ongoing life relationship. They want only seduction and conquest and are willing to pay the massage fees to set up these kinds of situations.
To my knowledge with the female massage therapists I have known, they were never trained through role-playing in how to handle seductive clients.
The massage therapist should keep a massage session always on a professional level with a client, not just for reality reasons of keeping one's license to practice, but to keep the massage situation objective and therapeutic.
With the man who spontaneously orgasmed while his body was being massaged he was emotionally and physically too focused on his erect penis and its ability to display and spray sperm.
So what, we might say. The therapist has to accept many peculiarities with clients, whether it is a massage session or not.
I also counseled the massage therapist to take the first five or ten minutes to talk objectively about the client and his behavior. How does it feel to orgasm here? Are you making it happen? Is it spontaneous? What happens with your own lovers?
These simple questions make the client an object of treatment. They de-potentiate the session of its potential sexuality. The female therapist asserts her professional role as a helper and not a partner. Things are kept within structure. The client is made to feel responsible for his own behavior.
In this real-life example, when my friend, the massage person, made the massage sessions objective as suggested, the man stopped coming. The object to seduce the therapist was no longer possible.
Of course, unconsciously, some do get fixated on seducing mother or father substitutes as a way of 'getting back, getting even,' an unconscious power-play that makes the seducer feel dominant in self-esteem, whether truly so or not.
ISSUE - EXAMPLE - The Man Who Spontaneously Orgasmed During Massage Who Was Not A Professional Seducer
The first edition of this article has in its first year been tremendously popular, and as author I have wondered why. Could it be that there are enough men and some women out there who do spontaneously orgasm while receiving a massage? One concerned man about the first edition of this article thought it implied that someone who spontaneously orgasmed was a seducer.
I thank him for giving his concern and I revise this article here to make it clear that for those who spontaneously orgasm, male or female, IT MAY BE A SOCIAL PROBLEM, BUT IT IS NOT WRONG, NOR EVEN A SEXUAL PROBLEM. NOR SHOULD YOU BE CONSIDERED A SEXUAL SEDUCER OR PERVERT.
Sorry for the implications I made in my original article. And many thanks to the reader who voiced his concern with me.
I would suggest that all massage body-workers have paper tissues, or even clean hand towels available, if a male or female spontaneously orgasms. Approach such a situation with positive feeling, acceptance and awareness.
"Oh, it looks like you have had a spontaneous orgasm. Don't worry about it here. Massage is meant as relaxing, and sometimes this happens, and can happen with most anyone. Would you prefer paper tissue or a hand towel to clean yourself up."
"I feel ashamed to do it in front of you. It just happens . . ."
"We can talk about it if you like. Massage is for knowing your body better and accepting it. Relaxing and letting go is a process of self-awareness and accepting your own body."
"Thanks, I'll take the towel. Maybe if you don't look for a moment."
"Why does it happen?"
"Try not to stay in your head as you receive my massage. To let go means letting go control, and that may mean pleasure feelings start happening, including with your genitals. If you feel an orgasm rising, just say so to me as I massage you, and see what happens. You are learning self-acceptance of your body."
"Does that mean you will massage my genitals?"
"I don't do genital work in directly touching your genitals. But I am certainly not against your having orgasms as part of your process. Are we clear? Or do you have any questions still?"
"Let's get on with it."
FOR THE CLIENT WHO SPONTANEOUSLY ORGASMS
Of course, it is your process that is important, however it happens. But why not pre-select the massage body-workers you work with?
Simply tell them on the phone, or in person is better, that you sometimes spontaneously orgasm and it embarrasses you. Ask that person you are meeting for the first time, how they might handle such a situation with you. Then make your decision on the spot, saying you will try out a session or not. You are buying the service. It is your right and necessity to feel safe with the person you work with.
Tell that person that you feel either safe or unsafe with them. Be honest and straightforward. Reality is best. Reality is healing.
ISSUE - The Massage Therapist's Responsibility
The bodywork therapist is also responsible for the effects of her treatment with any of her clients. A bodywork therapist should not think of themselves as just giving a good massage. The effect on the client is also their responsibility.
Thus I have counseled therapists on the issue: can you as a therapist handle this behavior on the part of a client and work with it to some resolution?
If you are a real therapist of course you want to take on challenges and handle every situation. But can you?
Working on the body is often a temptation to be or feel sexual. Relationships have started up between client and therapist, and always will, such is the human condition.
It is important to keep the therapeutic situation non-sexual, unless you are trained in sexual massage therapy and can practice this form, certainly a developing form in Europe and even America, despite repressive attitudes everywhere.
Thus our advice is to keep defining your boundaries as a massage therapist. It will not be just acting out sexuality that you will sometimes be dealing with. Other clients may be more into anger and you will have to structure your relation to this other great instinct as well.
We have raised some issues here. Instead of giving rigid rules we have explored the issues in terms of their human meaning and trying to be the best massage therapist you can be. You know full well it is more natural than unnatural to face the issues of human sexual feelings and expression inherent to living in a body, your body, and the bodies of your clients.
When faced with unusual or intense situations in your practice, do your best to bring the dynamics into reality.
The Man Who Never Came Back - Some Questions
Remember the man who used spontaneous orgasms to seduce?
Was he then just a seducer, using as his field of available women female massage therapists, some of whom might well be seduced by his genital expression?
He exhibited seductive innuendoes in his conversation.
Or did he simply get the point that maybe he could get over his fascination with his own behavior and seek intimacy with a sexual partner he also ate dinner with, showered with, and slept in bed with.
For in the end much of sexual expression is the expression of the need for bonding and intimacy with another human being. The goal of most massage therapy is not simply bodily expression but body-awareness that is relaxing, pleasurable most of the time, and balanced in its expression, sex, sports, sensual expression, caring, anger expression, whatever.
Why do we all mostly seek sexual expression?
Ah, you want to know everything, don't you?
So do I!
Right now I am working with the concept that at essence we are all seeking sexually to have tremendously intensified sexual experiences to know and to maximize our experience of existing.
We exist but we want to know that directly as experience of existing.
But more on that elsewhere!
Feel free to visit our web sites and explore.
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If you're an infrequent visitor to London and plan to hit the tourist trail then the last thing you'll want is to be pointed in the direction of the underwhelming, the uninspiring or the instantly forgettable. There's enough of that where you live, which is why you're visiting London!
Our guide features London's best galleries, museums, landmarks, historical sites, shopping areas and entertainment zones, all guaranteed to provide the ultimate London tourist experience. The attractions we've highlighted are unashamedly well known, but do you really want to be returning home to tell your friends about the fantastic thimble shop in Pimlico you visited? Or would you rather rave about the phenomenal view of one of the world's great cities from the top of The Eye, or that you've actually seen the beauty of Van Gogh's Sunflowers with your own eyes?
London has a multitude of varied and exciting attractions but these are the ones without which, your trip just wouldn't be the same!
Britain's busiest high street and London's best known shopping area is chock-a-block full of the largest branches of the nation's most popular shops - over 300 in fact. Many of the biggest high street names have their flagship stores here and the street also boasts the oldest record shop in the world (HMV at number 363). It's not all hardcore shopping though - light entertainment is often provided in the form of chanting Hari Krishnas skipping along the pavement. If you can't find what you want to buy in Oxford Street, you haven't got much of a hope elsewhere.
Nearest Tubes: Marble Arch, Bond Street, Oxford Circus, and Tottenham Court Road
Nearest Tubes: Southwark & Blackfriars. Admission: Free (however donations are gratefully received)
Formerly a fruit and vegetable market, 'The Garden' is now a constant and varied hive of activity. It has a hugely diverse selection of shops, eateries, bars, a market selling art, crafts, antiques and souvenirs, historic buildings, theatres, the Royal Opera House and fantastic free entertainment provided by street entertainers and musicians. If you can't find something to capture your interest at Covent Garden then you must be harder to please than Simon Cowell on a bad day.
Nearest Tube: Covent Garden.
Undoubtedly one of the most famous sights of London without visiting which, a trip to the capital would be incomplete. Not only are tourists drawn to see Nelsons Column, the fountains, the lions, the annual gift of a huge Christmas tree from Norway and the pigeons (dirty little so and sos), but it is where the masses flock to in times of national celebration or when there is cause to demonstrate. Trafalgar Square truly is the meeting place of the nation.
Nearest Tube: Charing Cross.
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London, one of the largest metropolises in the world, can seem a huge and bewildering place if you visit it for the first time. Britain's colorful capital is full of things to see and do, with superb shopping, world-famous sights, and a wealth of thrilling entertainment and vivid nightlife.
The city has a long history: from the earliest times, the Romans, the Saxons, the Danes, and the Normans settled on this territory in turn. In fact, Londinium was founded by the Romans at the crossing of the Thames in AD 67. On this marshy area, Romans built a typical Roman town, particularly for military purposes. With years, London continued to rise in prosperity and importance. Geographical position and historical circumstances have turned it into one of the world's most important cultural and commercial hubs.
The City of London survived through many of the horrible events: the Plague, killing almost 70,000 people, the Great Fire, World War I, and World War II, which brought a terrible destruction, with a large number of historic buildings damaged or ruined. Yet much was preserved, including St. Paul's Cathedral, the Tower, and Westminster Abbey, the primary tourist attractions of the capital.
The magnificent St Paul's Cathedral, the architectural masterpiece of Sir Christopher Wren, strikes the visitor with its splendid beauty. It is famous for its "Whispering Gallery" - a section over 100 feet above the floor of the Cathedral with very good acoustics. A person standing at the entrance of the Gallery can hear clearly what is said on the opposite side, 107 feet away.
The tourist attractions of London can be enumerated endlessly. This is a city with unbelievably rich history, which is sensed in every building, every monument, every stone in a road, and every leaf of a tree. Come to this amazing capital and see all this with your own eyes!